Monday 27 January 2014

Getting There… Really Fucking Slowly

Yo peeps. Told you I was going to get back back on the blogging train, so here I am! It has taken a bit of effort to be honest, but you know what they say — it's not worth having if it's easy… yadah yadah. 

OK, so for a second week I have lost weight, which is good news. It wasn't an awful lot, to be fair (0.6lbs), but it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, as my dad always says. I also did 30mins of exercise every day except Saturday, so I'm pleased about that. It definitely helps that when I lean forward for my fast intervals on the exercise bike, my thighs nudge my stomach, which is sure to get any girl spinning hard! I've managed to get up to 12.5k in distance, so I will just keep trying to improve that. Although one thing that is worrying me slightly is the increasing size of my quad muscles. They are starting to bulge, people — I can see the corners of them sticking out through my leggings! I know I am not going to turn into Chris Hoy overnight, but I do have concerns, as I can build muscle pretty easily. Hmm, I really should do something with that…

Speaking of getting tonk, I have also found a new weights routine that I want to start — this was the website if you are interested: http://www.niashanks.com/. I was going to start it next week (new for February), but I literally have just decided (whilst typing this up) that I am going to start it tomorrow. The sooner the better, surely? Plus, I might need a week to tinker with it as it involves barbells and all sorts, which should make for some amusing stories if nothing else. I must remember to not load them up too heavy, as when I first tried using a barbell I damaged my back by lifting a little too much. Yup lady-bros — I am quite strong! Even the BF is surprised at my strength when I'm trying to stop him doing non-sexual wrestling moves on me. Although I have had to tap out on several occasions, followed by some teariness.

BF and I went to our local Wetherspoons this weekend and ended up eating there, and it was quite a pleasant surprise to see that their menu has the calorific value of every single dish beside it. I was quite impressed, and it did actually steer me away from their hot dog section (DAMMIT!). It also meant I couldn't lie to BF about my choice being healthy when it blatantly isn't, not that I EVER do that, of course. 

I love highlighting.
We also had a rather strange discussion about my weight chart on the Bakerloo line, which is so fucking noisy that half of bloody London must know how much I weigh. Now, anyone who knows me will know I always make a new weight chart every time I start a new diet. It's an obsession. In fact, if I put as much time and effort into actually losing weight rather than faffing with a variety of weight-loss printouts, I would be a size 8 by now. True story. The issue I have with my scales is that they give me my weight in stones, then pounds, and then some decimalisation, which I find weird. Surely it should then be in ounces? I think the main problem is that at WW, the scales would only ever round to a half pound, which keeps things nice and simple when you write them in your little book. But now my home scales go 11st 10lbs 0.7 = what the fuck is that??? It's not a full pound, it's not half a pound, so how do I chart it? Only shade in half a square? Although BF did point out that ounces would be even more complicated, so I guess I just wish my scales would round up/down to something meaningful. I just feel that if I round up, it's cheating, and if I round down it's disheartening. And I can't change it to kilos, becuase when it comes to my fatness, I think in stones (thank you WW). BF did say I had no business charting a loss of 0.2lbs (FUCK YOU BUDDY!), but I like to because it just feels like things are moving in the right direction at least. So above is my new double chart (one for actual weight loss, one for a nice round number guide). It's mainly necessary because I don't seem to be able to do basic maths. Needless to say, I have never completed a chart, ever… BUT THIS COULD BE THE ONE! It could be. 

In other news, you know you get those selfies where people take a picture of themselves but don't notice something weird in the background? Well, that TOTALLY happened to me last week. I wanted to show my sister what a difference wearing under-eye concealer makes, so as I was doing my make-up in the morning (which I always do without any clothes on — sorry for the imagery everyone) I took a picture of myself shoulders up. I looked at it and thought "Phew, no-one can see my nakedness anywhere — that would have been bad!". Great. Went to my mum's that evening and got the picture out and something made me just check it one more time before I showed my sister… AND THANK FUCK I DID. I don't know how I missed it the first time, but I looked at the picture and you could CLEARLY see the reflection of my fat, naked back in the mirror behind me, PLUS some boob. It was not flattering. There were fat rolls. There was my broad back. It looked like a walrus with big hair was sitting upright on my bed. If my mum had seen that — and those of you that have met my mother know what I am talking about — she would have never, ever, EVER let me live it down. So, I just put my phone away and did a demonstration on my sister's own dark circles, which was probably more effective anyway. 

I went a bit over my average daily calories last week, so this week I'm going to really try to keep the average down, and hopefully see a better loss this week. Unless my new weights routine has me looking all pumped-yet-fat, in which case, we will have a problem…

 

Monday 20 January 2014

What Is My Chubby Arse Doing???

11st 8.5lbs.

11st 10.5lbs.

11st 9.5lbs.

11st 10.5lbs.

11st 9.5lbs.

This is what I have weighed at random intervals in the last two weeks. I was pretty chuffed at the fact that I had only put on 2.8lbs across December, only to then basically put on that weight in the space of one fucking week. And I can't even blame lady time! In fact, I was actually trying to diet for the first of those two weeks, so that makes it a million times worse. Shame on me, and shame on my approach to healthy eating. I'm not sure what that approach was now (it's long been lost in memories of Yo! Sushi lunches and handfuls of crisps) but I definitely needed to stop. So I have.

This week I am back on track and sticking to fasting — THIS IS THE YEAR. I say this every year, but this year I REALLY have to fucking try because I just realised something last week and it terrified me: I am very likely to get married in the next year and a half. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I cannot be feeling insecure on my wedding day. I cannot take loads of selfies to hide my double chin. I cannot ask the photographer to cut my fat arms out of every shot (hmm, or can I?). I need to actually look decent, so I really need to start NOW.

I'm not saying that I am going to be uber-strict (ha, god forbid should I actually stick to anything in a bid to lose weight) but I am going to need to remind myself of the 'W' word every time I am thinking about lifting unnecessary food items to my big fat mouth. 

So, I have printed out new goal weight countdown sheet thing (I updated the one that barely got highlighted last year, obvs) and have devised a new exercise routine that I need to follow (alternate days of exercise bike and circuits). I have made it ultra basic, because I am the laziest fucker known to man. I just need to do it every day until the end of February so I get into the habit, and then I will improve it so I can have arms like Jodie Marsh. Yeah, fuck off — I don't care what you think about that.

This does mean that I will now be exercising on fast days, but seeing as I have more fat reserves than your average polar bear, I really don't think I'm going to be collapsing on the tube anytime soon. I've also decided to eat the same lunch for a whole week, thus limiting how much time per day my brain is allowed to think about lunch possibilites. This also means less lunchtime trips to Morrisons, which also means I am less likely to pick up a sharer bag of salt & vinegar sticks and eat them all in one sitting. Speaking of salt & vinegar sticks — I bought a pack from Waitrose last week and they were fucking rank. I don't know what was wrong with them but they they smelt funny and tasted weird. Still finished them all though.

Dieting is such simple maths but I just find it so fucking difficult. I don't know why. Maybe I need to work with food so that the sight of it makes me sick by the time it comes to mealtimes, you know, so I'm svelte like Gary Rhodes or Michel Roux Jr. But then I realised that for every one of those skinny chefs, there are often two flabby foodie friends like the Two Fat Ladies or the Hairy Bikers making tasty dishes for each other. Even the flippin' Hairy Bikers have managed to lose fucking weight now! 

URGH. Come on lady, get it done. WEAR YOUR HUNGER LIKE A BADGE.




Monday 6 January 2014

Starting Over... Again.

Yup. My yearly pilgrimage to Diet Land is on.

Just like everyone else who now resembles a Christmas pudding due to overindulgence during the festive season, it's time to shape up. It's always nice to start weight loss in January. You have a clear slate in front of you and you can forget about everything you ate last year. I was supposed to be counting calories after Christmas Day, but that went straight out the window and I decided to eat bacon crispies instead. 

The last weight I inputted into MFP was on the December 3 (shame!) and this Monday I bit the bullet to see the damage: I have put on 2.8lbs since then. That's not bad really, but then it's not like I was starting in a particularly great place (I'd already put on a little) so I shouldn't pat myself on the back at all really. But as I ate a lot of pretty good stuff over the holiday (I have travelled the globe via my plate!), I feel ready to start.

I want to say this year will be soooooooo different and that I'm properly gonna bust a gut (ha!) trying to lose weight or that things have clicked in my brain, but I don't think any of that is true. I have to get on with it without it being the focus of my existence, which is very hard if you're a foodie. I need to somehow not be obsessed with food, because I'm genuinely worried that when I die I'll realise that I spent my whole life just eating and obsessing about my weight. And that terrifies me, because it is such a sad and pathetic existence. I'm scared of death as it is, let alone wasting my life on top of it.

Another thing that worries me is that I am pretty sure that my overeating affects my breathing, ie. my chest gets really tight and I have to take my inhaler. That is not good. Or healthy. Or normal. For one short minute, I did debate the idea of taking slimming pills… but I'm not going to, so stop shouting please. I will be doing a mix of diets I think, but I think I will stick to the fasting mainly.

URGH. I also had a total clothing/boot meltdown over the holidays (yes, that is a thing). I bought some new dresses but needed a pair of boots to go with them. So I ordered a pair from Office. They didn't really go, so obviously I had a breakdown before my last day at work. Honestly, my BF puts up with a LOT. It was so bad that I almost cried at work. I don't want to do that anymore. It all boils down to me feeling like a blob, but I have no-one else to blame except myself. I don't want to get that depressed again. It does not help that I am a useless shopper to boot (I am now thinking I look bad in all of them), but then nothing looks good when you feel like shit.

I promise to update more often and with more (lemon) zest than today. I've just been very busy with work, although as a dedicated foodie, I still managed to slip out to Yo! Sushi for lunch… dont worry, I counted everything! It's not that bad as long as you stay away from any bowls of rice, as they total a super-scary 400 calories! What the what?

I thought I would finish this post with my mum's reaction to a body shape test I did (USING MY ACTUAL MEASURMENTS!!) online. 

Enjoy.