Cancelling Weight Watchers

Or not. BUT I ALMOST DID! I don't know what stopped me really. But at the moment, I think it might be a bad idea. However, saying that, the slimmest I've ever been (through non-sickness) was when I was just calorie counting and eating more protein and and less fat. I was 9st 10lbs, and pretty happy with that. But I was also probably at least 8 years younger. Arse.

I have not been to Fat Club in weeks. Which is probably why I considered cancelling to be honest. I don't know why. Well, actually I do. I went a bit out of control around my birthday because I spent a lot of time treating myself. And so did my friends, hence this most excellent Daim Bar Brownie Birthday Cake.

I can almost taste the Daim at the bottom of this brownie as I type.

It was exceptional and delicious and made by a very good friend who does not really bake. Apparently, whilst researching what kind of cake to make in the first place, she did call the others for advice about a recipe she had found, mainly because she felt "uncomfortable about using 10 eggs". That made me laugh a lot. But yes — the brownie was divine. Which is why it got packed into her car before we went out clubbing, so I could take it home with all my birthday cards once we got back pissed, as her sober boyfriend was driving us all home.

Unfortunately, my other friend who let us drink round hers didn't realise we had done this, and promised her boyfriend that there would be lovely, tasty, delicious brownie to eat when they got back to the flat. I think they spent a long time looking for it before realising it had deffo been lifted from the premises…

ANYWAY. By the time I eventually got back on the ol' dieting wagon, a fair amount of time had passed. Weirdly (despite a fair amount of eating nice food) I have managed to keep my weight EXACTLY the same since the 25th April. Now, (seeing as you have have probably worked out I am a total food fiend), that is not bad at all! Yes, I know I am basically patting myself on the back for keeping myself in a state of chubby stasis, BUT in some weird world, it does prove that I must have been making at least some sensible food choices. So all I need to do now is lose 25lbs and THEN get into maintenance stage. Yeah man, I'm basically half way there! Piece of cake. 

Oh, speaking of cake: I am really sorry about the new layout. My boyfriend pointed out that the background now reminds him of the Kingfisher Bakery (he clearly meant the Hummingbird Bakery) and that my blog now looks like its more to do with cupcakes than weight loss. Which is true. But seriously, I don't think I can be fucked to change it again. Well, not this year anyway. The intense green and purple is gone, and let's just all be thankful for that.

Blog Mate and I are trying to set ourselves mini goals so that weight loss is not so daunting. So by Friday morning, I should be 3lbs lighter, as that was my goal for the last 2 weeks. Will I succeed? Well, maybe actually! I have been weighing myself every other day (I know, I know — it's stupid) but its kinda keeping me on track. It looks OK at the moment…

OH FUCKING HELL. So, I am in a band with this 65 year-old-woman who drums (have I told you this before? Because this is fairly weird information if not) who has been losing weight at an alarming rate. She has lost 10lbs in 6 weeks — which means I now can't use the excuse that it's hard to lose weight when you get to the rickety age of 31. She has done this by eating half of what she usually does, which she is finding very straightforward, as it turns out she EATS THE SAME THING EVERY DAY. I mean, fuck me — seriously??? I think I would kill myself. She isn't a foodie, so she eats, like, two chicken legs and an apple at lunch, then a pork chop and broccoli in the evening and a couple of gin and tonics. So now she is just consuming half of all of that. She gave herself 3 months to hit her target, and then her life will go back to normal. 

WHY CAN I NOT DO THIS? I have been trying to lose weight for fucking YEARS, and because she is focused, she is gonna be done in a few more weeks. FUCK. To be fair, we are quite different people — she is a salt-of-the-earth type who has a very direct approach to everything: she only started drumming when she was about 50 after hearing Metallica for the first time. Yup, you heard me. I, on the other hand, like to dither when it comes to any aspect of my life. I like to talk about it. I like to plan. I like to make lists. I like to dream about being thin, and buy clothes that almost fit, and write about it all in blogs. But I just can't seem to apply myself to actually doing it very well. Nothing has 'clicked', and no switch gets flipped. Nor am I OK with being this size. If I lost 1lb every week from now onwards, I would be done by mid November. DONE. DUSTED. OVER. SLIM.

I am going to try to channel my drummer. She said she wears her hunger like a badge, because she knows it means she is getting thinner. The thought of that fills me with terror, but maybe I need to get used to feelings of hunger. OH GOD, MY STOMACH IS RUMBLING LIKE A BITCH AS I TYPE THIS!!!!

There is no hope for me.