Thursday 3 April 2014

"You wanna look like a burrito in your prom dress, huh blondie?"

I've had two mates yelling at me for not writing my blog, so I'm doing it now! LOOK! This is not supposed to be a bi-monthly blog, so my apologies.

So, I think the last time I wrote an entry, I was lamenting having a social life. Well, since then, I've done nothing, mainly because all my friends got pissed off with that post and stopped inviting me out…KIDDING! It's just been quieter, and thank god. Because since then I have actually lost some fucking weight! I have really tried to be careful with everything I eat at the moment — I actually feel guilty eating out mid-week now so I try to avoid it, but it seems to have paid off because in a fortnight I have lost 2.8lbs. Thank FUCK.

I haven't managed to stay on a slow-and-steady 1350 calories a day — it's more of a weekend-binge-plus-two-fast-days-to-try-and-rectify-the-damage kinda thing. Although, to be fair, my fast days have been pretty shoddy over the last few weeks — the less said about them the better. But I'm not getting too hung up on it at the moment. And on the weekends, I do try not to eat vast amounts and stay around the 1500/1700 mark, which has probably helped me start losing again.

I finished six weeks of heavy lifting, so now my next exercise regime (I am trying to change it up every 6-8 weeks) is my Jillian Michaels : 30 Day Shred DVD. It's only 30 minutes long in total, but it is reasonably tough. I dabbled with the idea of buying the Insanity programme after I saw someone on Facebook with amazing results, but I know myself well enough to realise that I am not going to like or continue doing an hour of very intense training first thing in the morning, six days a week, for 60 days straight. One thing I have learnt from reading up on exercise advice is that you should actually enjoy it. Now, I'm not saying that I enjoy lifting weights more than I enjoy eating a bag of crisps on the couch in my Dalmatian-print dressing gown whilst watching Friends, BUT I do get some kind of kick out of it. So I saved myself £100 and spent £5 on Jillian instead.

I was a bit worried that seeing as I always try to do some some kind of exercise (I'm not saying I'm amazing or anything here!) that I would find it a bit easy, but that hasn't been the case. It's split into three levels, and you do each level ten times. I'm still on Level 1 and I haven't quite been able to get through the whole thing without stopping at all (really need to focus on my last few sessions), so it is tough enough. Some reviews said people thought they were going to have heart attacks, some people were dripping with sweat, some people couldn't walk for three days (???), but I was fine. These people must have done no exercise EVER, but it made me feel like my body isn't as useless as I always think it is. It's basic circuit training, and its nice and straightforward. Apparently it's Level 2 that's the bitch, so I'm bracing myself for that… Oh, and I took some very unflattering pics of me in un-matching pants to do a compare-and-contrast once I've finished, just to see if there are any changes. I know two things will happen: 1) I won't look any fucking different, and 2) my phone will almost certainly get stolen in the next few weeks.

But so far, I really like it. Jillian is a refreshing change from fucking Davina McCall and her stupid, shit jokes that I am used to — and sick of. Jillian was the fitness expert on The Biggest Loser, so she talks to you more like a personal trainer, which I really love. She is a bit of a 'dude', and calls her helpers 'buddy' but I also like that. I mean, men will find her very typical of fitness DVDs (BF walked in whilst she was on once and just went "Oh nooooooooooo!" and started mimicking her and laughing) but I think women are a bit more used to the cheesiness of workout DVDs. I like someone shouting "abs like this don't come for free", "you gotta push though this", and "your neck is not invited to this party!" at me. The title of this post is from another of her DVDs (apparently), and I think it's fucking brilliant. Oh, the imagery… Also, when she tells you that she has seen people who weigh 400lbs do jumping jacks (so you have no excuse not to), it really does spur you on.

Whilst I do love this DVD, it is a bit more cardio-based — and it's really making me miss my weights sessions! Never thought I would say that in a million years, but I love feeling that I have muscles. So I am going to have to fit in some lifting twice a week I reckon… I don't really fancy doing it after work, but even if it's only 15 minutes twice a week, that' not exactly hard to find. If Obama has time to exercise…

I have also realised that I don't do my push-ups properly. I mean, I do the proper ones (not lady ones), but since setting up a mirror to check out my form, I am DEFFO doing them wrong. In fact, so are you probably. Watch a few videos on YouTube — one's arms are supposed to be much closer to one's body… Who the fuck knew this??? Not me. I can bust out 10 of my shit press ups, but I reckon I would struggle to do even one the proper way. So I am just going to have to train myself — by the end of the year, I would like to be able to do 20 PROPER push ups. Even if I can only do one at first, it will be proper. Then I can move on to two. It's going to be slow but I was to be able to bust a bunch out like Gwen Stefani in that Just A Girl video… [HA, I just went to check out a video of her doing them and even hers aren't TOTALLY perfect! But they nearly are and she looks amazing.]

Wow, this was quite an exercise-heavy post. You'd think I was as buff as hell given how much I have waffled on about it! Ok, so let me sum up with some more cheery info — food! The best thing I've eaten recently was at a pub in Camden called the Lock Tavern. They do the Big Apple hot dogs that I mentioned in my FEAST post, and I still maintain that they are the best hot dogs that I have ever eaten. Fucking amazing. Even my veggie mate was almost tempted to take a bite! And of course, I have no fucking pictures of it. 

Also, a word of advice : don't ever worry about being the person who turns up at a friend's house with low fat crisps to snack on — there is no shame in that. The only shame is when you get home and realise you have just eaten half a bag of tortilla chips when you could have eaten half a bag of Popchips. Your hips will thank you, as will mine. Next time. 




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