Wednesday 27 February 2013

Week 7 - A Cream Tea or Three…

So this week I kinda thought a lot about the TV show, Girls. I watch it every week, and each week I have been getting more and more annoyed with Lena Dunham's need to be naked. For everything. Even things that one wouldn't be naked for, like playing ping pong. So I googled it to see if anyone else felt the same way, and I stumbled upon some pretty good articles that did actually change my mind about it.

http://www.xojane.com/issues/lena-dunham-naked-nude

http://www.philstar.com/young-star/2012/08/24/841295/why-lena-dunham-always-naked

I think my initial feelings were very much "God — why is she always naked?? She must think a lot of herself — what an exhibitionist". After a discussion with my boyfriend, we worked out that she may not necessarily love herself, but unlike me, she certainly doesn't have a hate for her own body. Also, I think seeing her non-perfect body just makes me think of my own and that repulses me a tiny bit. (Not as much as it used to, mind). So, I think Lena Dunham has turned from being a weird little naked person to someone who could actually be a bit of a heroine. I mean, I'm not going to go bra-less and start wearing ill-fitting playsuits all of a sudden (because really, who needs to see that?), but maybe I will try to be less judgemental. Maybe. But for now, I GET TO BUY MYSELF SOMETHING NICE! Might get those binoculars…

WEDNESDAY

I thought today would feel depressing given that I was giving up snacks for a week. Actually, I felt fine. Until I had my WW toast. I always eat this bread, but I'm going to stop and buy something proper as it really does taste like cut-price cardboard. I had two slices squirted with Marmite — crappest breakfast ever! This evening I have a rehearsal with another band, so I will be too busy to eat, hence a sandwich dinner, hence a day I stick to my points allowance. New favourite snack is carrot sticks dipped in curry powder (boo hoo little me). Only slight snag in the 'no snacks' regime this week is that I have a pack of Jumbo Snack-a-Jacks under my desk that will go off if I don't eat them. And no, I'm not throwing them away — they cost me £1.79! So I ate one. JUST the one.
(PS — I also ate one Party Ring earlier today. And I'm not writing it down. Fuck you.)

THURSDAY

So, on my way to band practice last night and realised I had left my sandwich in the office — crap. Practice ran on until 11pm, and then I realised that my boyfriend wanted to go to bed at a reasonable hour as he had an early start. I didn't get home until 12.10am — double crap. Seeing as I had about 6 minutes before he wanted to get to sleep (and I was pretty knackered myself) I ended up have an entirely snack-based dinner: Japenese rice crackers, a packet of Velvet Crunch snacks and a WW Bakewell Slice — oh wholly crap with Mrs Crapperson. BUT I ended up not eating 5 of my dailies, so it's fine, right? I have spent the whole day trying to decide if Mark Ruffalo is attractive or not. I need to know.

FRIDAY

Urgh. Had a bit of a celebration at work and ended up snacking and drinking a tiny bit of cava. But this is not the worst bit. I think the worst bit was finishing off the bag of Salt & Vinegar Sticks, AFTER everyone had left for the day. There was only a handful remaining, but oh the shame of my secret eating. Let's not speak of it again. 

SATURDAY

Ended up having an argument with the boyfriend (totally my fault) and all I wanted to do was eat my feelings by drowning in a bag of Salt & Vinegar Sticks… But I didn't. Instead I ate carrot sticks with barbecue sauce. Watched a play in the evening and used some ProPoints on a PROPER scone, with clotted cream and jam. WORTH IT!

SUNDAY

Deliberately got out of bed VERY late (nearly 3pm) so as to maximise my points usage — less time awake means I can get more bang for my buck. Apparently not, as I seemed to be STARVING all day. Bass playing took my mind off it until 8pm, but then whilst having a break I ended up watching Man vs Food, which was a massive mistake. My stomach rumbled all the way through him stuffing himself with 20ft cheese steaks and 3-gallon ice cream sundaes — I hate him so fucking much. Then dug out a WW scone for dessert. Not so bad when it's smothered in jam and cream. Who knew.

MONDAY

Go to Morrisons and buy my lunch for today and Tuesday. And what did I end up buying? Yup, a big fuck-off bag of Salt & Vinegar Sticks (WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? This is supposed to be a snack-free week!) They were to eat on Tuesday. But what happened? Yes, well done you — I ate half the bag on Monday. I resolved to have a smaller dinner that evening, which I did. But then, like a massive twat, I ate a giant scone (reduced in Morrisons bakery that evening) piled high with clotted cream and jam. Kinda felt guilty, especially as it took me over all the points I had left, but it was enjoyable. Although I could smell the cream on my top lip later in the evening. Which reminds me — I must thread this week…

TUESDAY

So today starts off with a bowl of Salt & Vinegar Sticks — let's just call them SAVS now, as I imagine they will be featuring in my post quite often. I am a little bit worried about going to Fat Club, because I don't really think I deserve to lose any weight — at best, I should stay the same. At dinner round my parents in the evening, I admit that when I was young, I used to steal packets of crisps from the kitchen in my rucksack and eat them in the toilet upstairs in secret. And no, I didn't throw them up, because that would be a waste of perfectly good Chilli & Lemon crisps. Stuff my face with my mum's delicious curry and rustle up some banana pancakes for dessert.

WEEK 7 : 1.5lbs lost (11st 5.5lbs)
What the fuck??? I'm not even sure how this happened! Ok, I really need to learn my lesson next week and not binge. It WILL catch up with me, and then I'll be all like "Why can't I lose weight? I try so hard… blah blah". Next week, I'm going to rein it in and DEFFO chuck in a run or two.

Wednesday 20 February 2013

Week 6 - Eating My Feelings

So I had a bit of a teary moment this week. One of my friends said that reading my blog makes her sad. So I asked why and she said "Because you love food but everything you eat makes you feel bad". Cue waterworks at my desk. I wasn't crying because I was upset with her or what she had said — I guess it was just quite perceptive of her and was, well, the truth, basically. Which is sad. Sometimes I think this is all such a waste of time, such a waste of a life — there are a million other things I could be doing, rather than thinking constantly about my weight. Because it is constant. And it makes me a bore. I need to restart exercising (March), I need to take control of what I buy, and when I want to eat, I need to occupy myself with some kind of activity. (Just get on with it and stop whining love, jeez!) Also, when I do a spell check on this, the word 'blog' comes up as an error. Really, Blogger? REALLY?


WEDNESDAY

Well, today started off OK, until I hit a slump at about 6pm... And stuff myself with those Bacon Cheddars that I didn't get round to putting in the bin… I know, I know! Well, now they are all finished. Wrote down the points and am moving on with my life. You should too.

THURSDAY

Have no snack food to munch on in the afternoon. This feel hellish. I almost legged it to Morrisons in my lunch break to get something, but I do have grapes if I get desperate. I will just try this 'don't buy it, can't eat it' thing, even if it's only for today. Oh my god, I look mental — I just peered round the side of my monitor to see what my colleague was eating because I could hear rustling… It was a Fudge bar.

FRIDAY

Bought myself a Fudge bar. I have also split it into thirds, at 1pp per portion. Have been doing OK today, but mainly because I have a slight stomach cramp.

This is my favourite quote of the week — it's from the TV series, The New Normal. I think any comfort eaters can relate.

Bryan: Shania honey, I know you're disappointed that the wedding didn't happen, but when I'm sad I like to do something called 'Eat My Feelings', and I'd like to share it with you right now.
Shania: What's that?
Bryan: Well, when you're sad, you just eat stuff until you're not sad anymore. (Stuffs cake pop into mouth) It's really healing. (Sprays crumbs everywhere)

God, he was eating a massive slice of vanilla sponge wedding cake and now I want cake. But thankfully, I am too lazy to go out and get any. However… this does remind me of the time when I was in the middle of doing a weights session at home and Oreos popped into my head. So I stopped pumping iron, DROVE down the road and bought some. It was 10pm. So really, anything is possible. I did continue exercising though, I'm sure of it… Heck, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

SATURDAY

This day started out alright. We drove to Milton Keynes and on the way home I decided to stop in Waitrose to pick up a snack. BAD idea. Ended up getting those bags of flavoured pretzels. They are supposed to be low fat, but they aren't that great on WW. Or when you eat loads. Just as well we got two bags then (!) We went food shopping too, which was fine as we didn't buy too much crap, but I think that was down to stuffing our faces with pretzels in the car park beforehand. Boyfriend cooked a delicious low fat curry as a belated Valentine's dinner. It was creamy, spicy and peppered with the subtle flavour of expletives ("Fuck... shit shit shit... oh bloody hell... Fuck!! FUCK!"), and a tiny pinch of resentment — just how I like it. Salted Caramel and Chocolate Chip Sponge Pudding was my treat this week — 13pp and worth every single one, especially as my work colleague and I have been eyeing it up for about 3 months. Had a Cobra Zero beer as well for only 1pp. Tasted a bit weird... But kinda hit the spot at the same time.

SUNDAY

Today should have been a decent enough day, but it kinda veered out of control a little towards the end. Still, fingers crossed — I don't think I messed up entirely. Looked slightly mental measuring out 10 portions of dhaal into various tupperware in the kitchen, but fuck it — it's all in the freezer now. WHICH IS WHERE I SHOULD HAVE PUT THOSE BASTARD PRETZELS. Urgh. Also found out my friend's boyfriend read my blog. I am worried that every time he looks at me from now on he will just hear "NEARLY 12 STONE! NEARLY 12 STONE!" ringing in his ears. Actually, a while ago he gave up crisps, carbs and cut back on alcohol and has lost a ton of weight (although he was never fat before) but I don't think I could do that. Or maybe I should try it for a little bit? I'm not sure what a life without snacks would be like... Oh actually, it might not be that difficult if all my snacks look like this every time I pull them out the multipack — what the fuck?


I can't help but think that someone is trying to give me some sort of sign… 

MONDAY

So, weighed myself this morning on my own scales and I was 11st 6.5lbs, Technically, that means I should lose tomorrow on Weigh Day, but I'm not going to hold my breath. (Actually, if I held my breath, the air in my lungs would make me heavier, so I definitely won't be doing that — stupid air). Need to try and drink some friggin' water today and not go mental food-wise. Unfortunately, it's Lady Time and this does not bode well, as I want to stuff my face with chocolate. I also have dinner with the girls tonight — will have to restrain myself and have some kind of healthy option, which this Chinese restaurant seems to do. Also, I think I might give up crisp-type snacks next week and see what happens... I eat a third of my Fudge bar.

TUESDAY

No heavy food today, which means no banana. I know my weight problem is not to do with whether I eat a banana or not on Weigh Day. I know this. I am fully aware of what my problem is. But this is what we are doing today, so get on board, OK? Thank you. Next week, I'm definitely cutting out snacks. When I looked at my WW journal, I realised just how much of my points allowance gets used up by me stuffing crackers or Snack-a-Jacks or peanuts or crisps or biscuits into my mouth. They have become a daily essential for me, but they really shouldn't be. I could have much nicer dinners if I didn't snack. And the problem is not the snack itself per se, just my inability to control how much I eat of them. So it's cold turkey time! (Mmm, cold turkey...) I am dreading getting weighed tonight, but I promised myself that I would go every week, so that is what is going to happen. I just won't look at my leader in the eye. I can't.

WEEK 6 : 1lb lost (11st 7lbs)
I don't deserve this, but it's great news. And I promise I am going to really good this week. The scales teetered on maybe dropping down to an additional half pound, but alas, it was not to be. Next week Mr Scales, next week…

Tuesday 12 February 2013

Week 5 - Hot Doggity Dawg!

So this week has been er… interesting! I think the following sums it up perfectly: I have just spotted my nicely printed weight chart for the 25lbs I want to lose — it's lying face down, half under a dictionary, with a huge grease stain on it. Nuff said.

In other news, I have been trying to challenge myself by doing things out of my comfort zone. Whilst I'm in a band already, we never gig, and it doesn't look like we are going to any time soon, bar a wedding and a FREE charity gig this year. So I have been auditioning for other bands. Technically, I've not left this band yet (no real need — being in another band is hardly going to clash with our busy schedule) but seeing as the other members all have side projects, I think I'm allowed too! I auditioned for an all-girl band a few weeks ago, but dear god, the guitarist was just not up to much so that went (appropriately) tits up . However, the drummer stayed in touch with me and I will now be participating in a different non-vagina-based band project next week — should be good! I also auditioned for a classic rock band on the weekend— it was quite fun (although I mainly remember the stress) and I impressed them enough to get a second callback! EAT IT!!! I have to learn some pretty tough songs for the next leg, but my self esteem has gone through the roof. But I'm sure all that will change after tonight's weigh-in.


WEDNESDAY

Pretty good day really, but then it always is because I feel all virtuous from Weigh Day. Eat a Fox's Caramel Shortcake for 2pp - worth it!

THURSDAY

Trying to eat light today as meeting friends for dinner at an Italian restaurant. I feel bad as I kinda vetoed their suggestion to go to a burger bar, but I have already allocated those points for a hot dog on the weekend. Pop home first, and – for reasons unbeknownst to me – pour quite a lot of crispy coated peanuts down my neck. Right before dinner. While my friend is sitting waiting in the restaurant. Five doors down. Alone. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? Dinner was good though, and I went for the healthy option pasta. I was going to opt for spaghetti bolognese for a couple of extra points, but the peanuts repeated on me, serving as a poignant reminder that I'd already pigged out enough this evening. Then the waitress (bless her, she was very sweet ) was sprinkling the Parmesan on my pasta in such a) scant amounts and b) an incredibly bizarre fashion, that I didn't end up with as much as I wanted. So to rectify this injustice, I ended up having dessert. Just a scoop of pistachio ice cream. With two wafer stick things in it.

FRIDAY

CANNOT STOP EATING TODAY. It's like I have worms or something. Stuff myself mindlessly with Japanese crackers, then check points... COCK!! 9 friggin' points. Great. Have my wraps at lunch for 6 points. Pop to my mum's to after work and end up eating a small dinner there as well as pasta when I get back to mine. Shit.

SATURDAY

Have brinjal pickle and salad wrap before I leave to go out for the day – not sure it's going to catch on as a lunch option... While out have a tea, biscotti and popcorn snack. Get home and try to distract myself with bass playing until dinner reservations at 8. Have planned to have a hot dog and chips for 30 points. My god, best meal I've had in ages. End up sharing chips with the boyfriend out of guilt, (because they were massive), then up having a caramelised banana dessert, alongside a tasty portion of You're Not Going To Lose Weight This Week... Shared dessert out of more crippling guilt, but not before I'd eaten a scoop of ice cream with caramel sauce. See girl at next table who ordered the hot dog but has left most of it, unlike me, who wolfed it. Fuck shit fuck.

SUNDAY

I thought having my audition today might make me eat less (because of nerves) but instead I manage to eat a packet of Velvet Crunch, about 5pp worth of chilli crispy coated peanuts and then a spiced pumpkin KitKat that my sister sent me from Japan. Oh, then some cold pasta from the fridge. I'm not sure a drop of liquid passed my lips until the evening which might explain why my mouth was extra dry at the audition. Evening dinner was Beef Nachos without the nachos... "How does this work?", I hear you ask… Well, the answer is "Quite well, actually!". I made the beef chilli up with extra lean minced beef, kidney beans and a packet of spice mix. Then I poured my portion of it into a little foil tray, grated low fat cheese over it and little blobs of extra light cream cheese and bunged it under the grill. Once all melted, I ate it with thinly sliced carrot. And you know what? It really did hit the spot. Unlike the WW scone I had after — dear god, it was the driest and hardest thing I've eaten in my life. Chucked the rest in the freezer, which is basically just a chilly stopover before they go in the fucking bin.

MONDAY

So today it appears that I am no longer writing my points down in my journal. Great. I think I know what has happened here. I lost a decent amount last week, and therefore figured I wont lose weight this week, so why not splurge a bit rather than be good and disappointed? This is clearly the wrong thing to do. But I'm still doing it. Whilst eating mini Maltesers bunnies in Morrisons after work. Bought some bacon flavour Baked Cheddars but they haven't really lived up to the expectations I had, so I should just put them in the bin… but they are still in my drawer. Honestly, I might as well have gone to the burger bar with my friends earlier in the week. Need to get out of this mind set somehow…

TUESDAY

So today is Weigh Day. I will be doing my usual 'eat light' routine, which is Cuppa Soup at lunch with crisps. Urgh. Feel quite lousy and have barely drunk any water this week. My glass of water is untouched and is developing bubbles… Ok, just had a massive guilty glug. After eating loads of those Cheddar biscuits… COCK! Right, on my way to the toilet they are going in the bin! I am going to put this horrible week down to pre-Lady Time hormonal-ness. And my pitiful rationalisation about dieting and losing weight. I think now that it doesn't seem as cold, I am going to have to go for ONE BLOODY RUN next week. I am dreading getting on the scales…

WEEK 5 : 1.5lbs put on (11st 8lbs)

Cuntballs.

Thursday 7 February 2013

The First Month

11st 11lbs. That is what I weighed on Week 1 of Weight Watchers this year. I don't share my weight with anyone really. But now it's out there. Turns out I am only 5ft 3in too, according to some very ropey measurments made down the pub one night — WITHOUT a ruler. Short and overweight is never a good look. And I am noticing that the older I get, the nearer I seem to be getting to 12st.  Also, it's not really fun weighing more than your boyfriend without good reason, ie. you are one tonk bitch who works out all the time like Jodie Marsh.

I am a massive foodie and have finally realised I need to exercise more if I want to keep eating nice things in my life. Which is why I have been on... (consults diary)... oh right, it's worse than I thought — NO RUNS THIS YEAR!!! That can't be right… (consults diary again)... OK, there was a spurt in late December, but I've done sod all since then. Well that's just fucking great. To be fair, I have got a long-term foot injury at the moment, then I got a cold… But shit, I really need to get out there again. It's time to read Run Fat Bitch, Run – a book that I cannot recommend enough. When I was motivated to actually go out running, I was reading that!

What I have done to try and motivate myself, is ban all shopping for myself. The only way I am allowed to buy anything is if I lose weight two weeks in a row. This should work quite well for me as I don't have very expensive taste — something under a £10 off my Amazon Wish List will do. So what happened in my first month of being The New Me?

WEEK 1 : No change (11st 11lbs)

WHAT? Fucking hell, great start. That was a kick in the balls, I tell you. But breathe and move on. Be better next week.

WEEK 2 : 1/2lb lost (11st 10.5lbs)

In your face Weight Watchers! It's still not a great result, but I'm trying not to be harsh on myself — it's better than 1/2lb up, right? Proceed to stuff my face round my mum's at dinner, woo! Dare I think about what I might buy myself next week...?

WEEK 3 : 1/2lb lost (11st 10lbs)

Yes I dare! Again, this is not amazing but it's a loss rather than a gain. Head to mum's for dinner and to share the news. "You are treating yourself to a present for losing half a piddly pound?". I can always rely on mum to make me feel better. I ignore her and think about my bird-watching binoculars. BUT THEN I get distracted by the scarf below.


I saw it in Aldo a few weeks ago, — it's no longer on their website (PANIC!) but I find it in the actual shop and it's on sale for £9.80 (PANIC OVER). It's £5 cheaper than before, and it's now round my neck. It's so soft… This week, I have also decided to move down from 49 weeklies to 35. Let's just see what happens.

WEEK 4: 3.5lbs lost (11st 6.5lbs)

WOOT! I was not expecting that at all! Very, VERY pleased. However, I am slightly worried it might have something to do with the fact that I am wearing the lightest clothing ever — a very flimsy dress and tights. Truth be told, I only ever eat Cuppa Soup and crisps on Weigh Day. But fuck it for now — lets just focus on the loss, eh? Tiny bit concerned that a good result like this will mean I won't lose next week. We'll see.

I'm now excited about my potential binoculars, although all I ever see out the window is the arse of the obese squirrel who keeps stealing all the bird fat balls I put in the garden. Seriously though — why does everything in my get a bit fat? I was bought a malnourished runt-kitten seven years ago who is now on a permanent diet because she developed a hanging-and-jiggling stomach… My boyfriend (WHO IS NOT FAT, IF HE IS READING THIS) thinks he is putting on weight due to my over-feeding… and now the local squirrel has become a lardy-butt. Bloody great.

Kick Up The Butt

Well, this is very amusing… Having finally decided to actually start writing this weight-loss/general moaning blog today, I logged into my blogger.com account to see that it was almost exactly one year ago today that I last blogged. Under a different name. About dieting. And never came back. 

Whilst this doesn't bode well for me (or you, as a reader) I am really going to try to stick with it. This year is all about pulling my finger out, facing challenges, DOING stuff instead of PLANNING to do stuff, fitting into the clothes currently being housed in my bulging wardrobe (why must everything in my life become fat?), using my creativity for good rather than for making my sister cry, and actually becoming the person I feel I am under all this cheap clothing and winter weight. And if you think this sounds a lot like my 'I Am Going To Be 30 — I Need To Change My Life' speech from last year, well you are wrong, my friend. 

I'm not exactly sure how am going to post just yet. Daily seems a bit much, but some of you might genuinely might want to know how many ProPoints I have eaten, or how many poops I can fit in before Weigh Day, or what I am choosing to omit from my tracker and then lie about in class, etc. But I figured that if I post every day and pretend people are reading this, I might actually stick to my weight loss plan/being a better me.

But writing about being fat can get a bit boring, so I am going to try and use it as a diary as well, and write about other things that are going on in my life. So this is a good time to let you know a little bit about me… 

I have probably been dieting since my early teens. My mum is a serial dieter and it has now very much become a part of my life. These days (now I am older and wiser, sort of) I think my weight loss issues have less to do with thinking I am a big fatty-fat-fat and more to do with the fact that I have only ever really wanted to lose about 25lbs — the very fact that I have so little will power to even get me halfway there is frankly, pathetic. But I do hate not fitting into my clothes — some of which I have never even worn. I hate boring my boyfriend and friends with the constant complaining about my fat arms ("Guys, remember the summer where I had amazing 'guns'?"). I hate feeling self-conscious in my baggy t-shirts and leggings. I hate wanting to be slimmer ALL THE LIVE-LONG DAY. And I hate the fact that I would now KILL to be 10st, a weight I hated being approximately 6 years ago. 

And that’s probably all you need to know for now. What more do you need, hmm?