Getting There… Really Fucking Slowly

Yo peeps. Told you I was going to get back back on the blogging train, so here I am! It has taken a bit of effort to be honest, but you know what they say — it's not worth having if it's easy… yadah yadah. 

OK, so for a second week I have lost weight, which is good news. It wasn't an awful lot, to be fair (0.6lbs), but it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, as my dad always says. I also did 30mins of exercise every day except Saturday, so I'm pleased about that. It definitely helps that when I lean forward for my fast intervals on the exercise bike, my thighs nudge my stomach, which is sure to get any girl spinning hard! I've managed to get up to 12.5k in distance, so I will just keep trying to improve that. Although one thing that is worrying me slightly is the increasing size of my quad muscles. They are starting to bulge, people — I can see the corners of them sticking out through my leggings! I know I am not going to turn into Chris Hoy overnight, but I do have concerns, as I can build muscle pretty easily. Hmm, I really should do something with that…

Speaking of getting tonk, I have also found a new weights routine that I want to start — this was the website if you are interested: http://www.niashanks.com/. I was going to start it next week (new for February), but I literally have just decided (whilst typing this up) that I am going to start it tomorrow. The sooner the better, surely? Plus, I might need a week to tinker with it as it involves barbells and all sorts, which should make for some amusing stories if nothing else. I must remember to not load them up too heavy, as when I first tried using a barbell I damaged my back by lifting a little too much. Yup lady-bros — I am quite strong! Even the BF is surprised at my strength when I'm trying to stop him doing non-sexual wrestling moves on me. Although I have had to tap out on several occasions, followed by some teariness.

BF and I went to our local Wetherspoons this weekend and ended up eating there, and it was quite a pleasant surprise to see that their menu has the calorific value of every single dish beside it. I was quite impressed, and it did actually steer me away from their hot dog section (DAMMIT!). It also meant I couldn't lie to BF about my choice being healthy when it blatantly isn't, not that I EVER do that, of course. 

I love highlighting.

We also had a rather strange discussion about my weight chart on the Bakerloo line, which is so fucking noisy that half of bloody London must know how much I weigh. Now, anyone who knows me will know I always make a new weight chart every time I start a new diet. It's an obsession. In fact, if I put as much time and effort into actually losing weight rather than faffing with a variety of weight-loss printouts, I would be a size 8 by now. True story. The issue I have with my scales is that they give me my weight in stones, then pounds, and then some decimalisation, which I find weird. Surely it should then be in ounces? I think the main problem is that at WW, the scales would only ever round to a half pound, which keeps things nice and simple when you write them in your little book. But now my home scales go 11st 10lbs 0.7 = what the fuck is that??? It's not a full pound, it's not half a pound, so how do I chart it? Only shade in half a square? Although BF did point out that ounces would be even more complicated, so I guess I just wish my scales would round up/down to something meaningful. I just feel that if I round up, it's cheating, and if I round down it's disheartening. And I can't change it to kilos, becuase when it comes to my fatness, I think in stones (thank you WW). BF did say I had no business charting a loss of 0.2lbs (FUCK YOU BUDDY!), but I like to because it just feels like things are moving in the right direction at least. So above is my new double chart (one for actual weight loss, one for a nice round number guide). It's mainly necessary because I don't seem to be able to do basic maths. Needless to say, I have never completed a chart, ever… BUT THIS COULD BE THE ONE! It could be. 

In other news, you know you get those selfies where people take a picture of themselves but don't notice something weird in the background? Well, that TOTALLY happened to me last week. I wanted to show my sister what a difference wearing under-eye concealer makes, so as I was doing my make-up in the morning (which I always do without any clothes on — sorry for the imagery everyone) I took a picture of myself shoulders up. I looked at it and thought "Phew, no-one can see my nakedness anywhere — that would have been bad!". Great. Went to my mum's that evening and got the picture out and something made me just check it one more time before I showed my sister… AND THANK FUCK I DID. I don't know how I missed it the first time, but I looked at the picture and you could CLEARLY see the reflection of my fat, naked back in the mirror behind me, PLUS some boob. It was not flattering. There were fat rolls. There was my broad back. It looked like a walrus with big hair was sitting upright on my bed. If my mum had seen that — and those of you that have met my mother know what I am talking about — she would have never, ever, EVER let me live it down. So, I just put my phone away and did a demonstration on my sister's own dark circles, which was probably more effective anyway. 

I went a bit over my average daily calories last week, so this week I'm going to really try to keep the average down, and hopefully see a better loss this week. Unless my new weights routine has me looking all pumped-yet-fat, in which case, we will have a problem…

 

Week 6 : "Welcome to Dumpsville… Population: You."

Just so you know, I did not get dumped. But I tell you this much — if I did get dumped, I would not be writing this blog anymore. I would be out there, running down the street, flaunting my too-depressed-to-eat skinny body in hot pants and a boob tube. 

No, I'm talking about a different kind of dumping, people. (Don't worry — it won't be for very long.) I weighed myself after my second fast day last week and my weight was exactly the same as the week before. Given how much I had eaten over the weekend, plus eating out at work, I was quite content with being 11st 5.2lbs. At least this way when I weighed myself on Saturday (my official day), I wouldn't be shocked at the results. 

As an aside (and an excuse to squeeze a picture in, cos that's what blog reader want, apparently), I believe in keeping fast day meals simple — I don't want to be faffing around with food when I am not free to just chuck stuff in. You can eat what you want all week, so two days should not need to be sexed up! This was some lovely spiced basa fish with griddled courgettes and mushrooms I had — very low in calories, so perfect for fasting :-)

This is even better with smoked basa…

So Saturday arrived and I (officially) got on the scales. 11st 4.6lbs. What the hell? After having a Chinese takeaway last night?? Man... OK... Just over half a pound is good, but how could I make it better? Hmm, could I try going to the loo…? Would that make a difference? Worth a try, surely? Well, I'm glad I tried, because boy, did that poo pay off! 11st 4lbs — IN YOUR FACE, FAT BODY!

There is a part of me that feels slightly dishonest doing a Weigh Day evacuation because I don't always try for a Number 2 before I get on the scales every week. But then I thought, "Fuck it — I'm in the fat-weighing business, not the poo-weighing business. It's not cheating!" And it's not like the old days where I used to pop a bunch of Sennakot before bed and pray to have a massive shit the next day… ANYWAY. Poo stories aside — I lost over a pound. I win. The End. 

So I was feeling excellent on Saturday. And when you feel excellent, you want to do all you can to continue feeling this way. So, time for some exercise! I had nipped out earlier in the day and stepping out the front door was like entering an oven, so running was out of the question — I didn't want to miss my friend's birthday celebrations suffering from heat stroke. So I decided to do my Davina Power of 3 DVD. It had been well over a year since I had done it (I used to do it religiously) but at least exercising in the living room was a bit cooler. 

The warm up was fine, but then I started doing the leg workout. The moves were feeling intense. Too intense. Every squat felt like someone was kicking me in my butt cheek — HARD. Halfway in, I decided that this was a stupid idea, especially as I was planning to wear proper heels for the first time in year later that night — I really didn't need jelly-leg syndrome! So I did some arm work and then went off to ice some birthday cupcakes, naturally.

After stuffing our face with three fajitas, we headed out to my friend's birthday. Excellent night out (although we were all sweating like little bitches), lots of nice snacks (that I didn't need but ate anyway) and I didn't fall and break my ankles, which is my constant fear when in heels — RESULT! As we didn't get a chance to grab a hot dog after the club, I rustled up more fajitas when we got in at about 3.30am, as well as defrost some dhal — never underestimate the effort a drunk foodie will put into a worthy post-club snack! Finally, it was time for bed.

The next morning —OH DEAR GOD. I could not move. Seriously, everything was aching. Thighs, calves, butt, hips, triceps — everything. It took me ages to get out of bed and I actually felt like I had been in a fight. FUCKING DAVINA!! (I am still in pain as I write this.) However it reminded me how good this DVD is, so I am going to try and squeeze it in once a week.

Having eaten all that food before bed, I didn't have a hangover at all the next day, so it should have been a good day food-wise. Unfortunately, there was no proper food in the house, so I gorged on cakes, biscuits and crisps ALL DAY. Not very satisfying or nutritious really. And it means I have to really be careful this week, as well as being on top of my exercise. In fact, my new technique when I am feeling tired on my run is to grab a handful of my saddlebags — honestly, that keeps me moving! (Although I probably look a bit mental.)

I have lost just over 8lbs in 6 weeks. My next goal is 10lbs (because it's a nice round number) and then after that it will be to get under 11st. If things keep going at this rate, a bit more of the wardrobe should start to fit at last. Roll on dinner with the girls!

Week 1 : BOOM! Lost 3.5lbs

Thankfully, it appears 5:2 is working. I am fucking chuffed, obviously, but like I said, the first week of a diet always has pretty good results because you end up pissing a lot. So let's not get too excited, as the tough part is sticking to it beyond week 2...

So, what did I eat? I have to say, knowing you can eat what you want is incredibly weird. I still don't entirely trust it, so I have been keeping track of my daily food allowance on myfitnesspal. I know, I know — it kinda defeats the purpose a little, but there are several good reasons for this. The first is that when it comes to food, I am programmed to think in Weight Watchers points. For EVERYTHING. Daim bar = 4 points. Wagon Wheelie = 2 points. French Fries from a multipack = 2. Bubblegum split ice lolly = 1 point. Wow… I am desperately trying to think of a food that is not loaded with sugar or salt and I'm getting nothing. Absolutely nothing. Except broccoli = 0 points… So now that I'm not on WW, I need to familiarise myself with nutritional values of food products, because otherwise it's very easy to stuff yourself. Which I have done a bit this week. 

Myfitnesspal has given me 1320 calories a day to use up. This seems like a lot. There are a lot of foods that I used to avoid on WW, because they were just too many points from my daily allowance. Which meant you ate a lot of salad because you had to, when really you wanted to punch that salad right in its stupid face. But now I get to look at actual values of food, rather than the values WW has assigned to them, which is proving interesting. Although the diet just advises to stay within a woman's 2000 daily calories, I know my body enough to realise that I need to stay in the lower end of that. 

However, I've still managed to eat a lot of nice things things this week. I've had a meat pizza, cheese twists, paella, chocolate biscuits, an apple doughnut, mum's yummy pasta, KFC and Twiglets. And a hot dog (I'm fucking pushing it, aren't I?) Not bad going. But there are a few things I have learnt along the way. 

Lesson 1 : You don't need to go mental.   

KFC day was bad and indulgent and I really didn't feel good after eating it. Not because it wasn't tasty (it was gooooood!), but because I ate too much of it, mainly because of my mantra, "if you are going to fuck up your diet, fuck it up good and proper". This is wrong and stupid and not how you are supposed to approach this way of eating. Also, after seeing how many calories were in what I had eaten, I realised that it was just needless gorging. Bad, bad, bad.

Lesson 2 : If you're not hungry, don't eat.

I suddenly had an obsession with eating Twiglets one afternoon. So I went to a shop that sold Twiglets, bought a big bag of Twiglets, and then pretty much ate all the Twiglets. I was still very full of Twiglets by dinner, but I still ate dinner THAT I DID NOT NEED, EVEN AFTER ALL THOSE TWIGLETS. One thing this diet teaches you is that it will take quite a long time for people in the western world to even start wasting away. For most of us, missing a meal wont leave us feeling weak, or lead to us having a drop in blood sugar level, or even make us feel tired. If you are not hungry, don't just eat for the sake of it.

Lesson 3 : Don't get obsessed with Twiglets.

Lesson 4 : Do not treat yourself to a 5-pack of doughnuts after your exercise class has been cancelled. 

Yup — I'm afraid this happened. I went all kitted out in my gym gear to a class, only to find out it wasn't on. So then I went to Morrisons where I spotted a reduced pack of apple doughnuts for 35p. I was fucked off the class wasn't on, and that I was now wearing white slouch socks in public when I hadn't even been working out, leaving me feeling like a massive impostering twat. And before I knew it, I was in my kitchen with with a bagful of shopping, topped with sugary doughnuts. The good news is that I only ate one devious doughnut. My boyfriend ate two (drunk), but alas, the others have gone in the bin. I really hate waste, but I couldn't justify spending 400 calories on two doughnuts just so they wouldn't get chucked. So, for one night only, I managed to hang up my hat as a human dustbin. Baby steps, baby steps…


But what about my fast days? Well, they were really, well… doable, actually. 

Day 1 Fast : First thing I ate was at 1.30pm, and it was a one-egg omelette with salad. I have to admit, this was not a great meal idea on my part. 

Omelette of oppression.

I seriously don't know how I managed to waste 200 calories on this watery meal, but it's no wonder I was fucking ravenous when I got home. Which led to me devouring a LOT of cashew nuts, taking me to 650 calories instead of 500 — ARGH! Dinner was a Chinese-style soup. My aunt excitedly asked me for the recipe for this — you should have seen her face when I told her it was just a turkey stir fry that I added water to. God, that sounds grim. Again, it was filling but not very interesting. I'm *so* glad I made enough to have it again on my next fast day…

Day 2 Fast : Right. Did NOT want another cashew nut situation. So I made a really nice tuna salad with a whole can of tuna, salad leaves, tomatoes, cucumber capers and a bit of balsamic dressing. I ate it at about 2.30pm and it was really, really tasty. RESULT. Same flipping soup for dinner (along with some diet Fanta and 8 grapes) but spent a respectable 510 calories, with fewer headaches too.

For next week, I would like to have better fast day meals, eat less crap and just get on with it really. I think the 'treating food differently' bit has yet to kick in, but I'm hoping it will get there. It might have even started already — when we went out for the hot dogs, I opted for the 2 potato latkes as a side instead of the very large portions of chips, which i totally LOVE. That's an improvement, right? 

Let's just say yes. 

The Fast Diet
Start weight : 11st 12lbs
Week 1 : 11st 8.5lbs