Week 6 - Eating My Feelings

So I had a bit of a teary moment this week. One of my friends said that reading my blog makes her sad. So I asked why and she said "Because you love food but everything you eat makes you feel bad". Cue waterworks at my desk. I wasn't crying because I was upset with her or what she had said — I guess it was just quite perceptive of her and was, well, the truth, basically. Which is sad. Sometimes I think this is all such a waste of time, such a waste of a life — there are a million other things I could be doing, rather than thinking constantly about my weight. Because it is constant. And it makes me a bore. I need to restart exercising (March), I need to take control of what I buy, and when I want to eat, I need to occupy myself with some kind of activity. (Just get on with it and stop whining love, jeez!) Also, when I do a spell check on this, the word 'blog' comes up as an error. Really, Blogger? REALLY?

WEDNESDAY

Well, today started off OK, until I hit a slump at about 6pm... And stuff myself with those Bacon Cheddars that I didn't get round to putting in the bin… I know, I know! Well, now they are all finished. Wrote down the points and am moving on with my life. You should too.

THURSDAY

Have no snack food to munch on in the afternoon. This feel hellish. I almost legged it to Morrisons in my lunch break to get something, but I do have grapes if I get desperate. I will just try this 'don't buy it, can't eat it' thing, even if it's only for today. Oh my god, I look mental — I just peered round the side of my monitor to see what my colleague was eating because I could hear rustling… It was a Fudge bar.

FRIDAY

Bought myself a Fudge bar. I have also split it into thirds, at 1pp per portion. Have been doing OK today, but mainly because I have a slight stomach cramp.

This is my favourite quote of the week — it's from the TV series, The New Normal. I think any comfort eaters can relate.

Bryan: Shania honey, I know you're disappointed that the wedding didn't happen, but when I'm sad I like to do something called 'Eat My Feelings', and I'd like to share it with you right now.

Shania: What's that?

Bryan: Well, when you're sad, you just eat stuff until you're not sad anymore. (Stuffs cake pop into mouth) It's really healing. (Sprays crumbs everywhere)

God, he was eating a massive slice of vanilla sponge wedding cake and now I want cake. But thankfully, I am too lazy to go out and get any. However… this does remind me of the time when I was in the middle of doing a weights session at home and Oreos popped into my head. So I stopped pumping iron, DROVE down the road and bought some. It was 10pm. So really, anything is possible. I did continue exercising though, I'm sure of it… Heck, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

SATURDAY

This day started out alright. We drove to Milton Keynes and on the way home I decided to stop in Waitrose to pick up a snack. BAD idea. Ended up getting those bags of flavoured pretzels. They are supposed to be low fat, but they aren't that great on WW. Or when you eat loads. Just as well we got two bags then (!) We went food shopping too, which was fine as we didn't buy too much crap, but I think that was down to stuffing our faces with pretzels in the car park beforehand. Boyfriend cooked a delicious low fat curry as a belated Valentine's dinner. It was creamy, spicy and peppered with the subtle flavour of expletives ("Fuck... shit shit shit... oh bloody hell... Fuck!! FUCK!"), and a tiny pinch of resentment — just how I like it. Salted Caramel and Chocolate Chip Sponge Pudding was my treat this week — 13pp and worth every single one, especially as my work colleague and I have been eyeing it up for about 3 months. Had a Cobra Zero beer as well for only 1pp. Tasted a bit weird... But kinda hit the spot at the same time.

SUNDAY

Today should have been a decent enough day, but it kinda veered out of control a little towards the end. Still, fingers crossed — I don't think I messed up entirely. Looked slightly mental measuring out 10 portions of dhaal into various tupperware in the kitchen, but fuck it — it's all in the freezer now. WHICH IS WHERE I SHOULD HAVE PUT THOSE BASTARD PRETZELS. Urgh. Also found out my friend's boyfriend read my blog. I am worried that every time he looks at me from now on he will just hear "NEARLY 12 STONE! NEARLY 12 STONE!" ringing in his ears. Actually, a while ago he gave up crisps, carbs and cut back on alcohol and has lost a ton of weight (although he was never fat before) but I don't think I could do that. Or maybe I should try it for a little bit? I'm not sure what a life without snacks would be like... Oh actually, it might not be that difficult if all my snacks look like this every time I pull them out the multipack — what the fuck?

I can't help but think that someone is trying to give me some sort of sign… 

MONDAY

So, weighed myself this morning on my own scales and I was 11st 6.5lbs, Technically, that means I should lose tomorrow on Weigh Day, but I'm not going to hold my breath. (Actually, if I held my breath, the air in my lungs would make me heavier, so I definitely won't be doing that — stupid air). Need to try and drink some friggin' water today and not go mental food-wise. Unfortunately, it's Lady Time and this does not bode well, as I want to stuff my face with chocolate. I also have dinner with the girls tonight — will have to restrain myself and have some kind of healthy option, which this Chinese restaurant seems to do. Also, I think I might give up crisp-type snacks next week and see what happens... I eat a third of my Fudge bar.

TUESDAY

No heavy food today, which means no banana. I know my weight problem is not to do with whether I eat a banana or not on Weigh Day. I know this. I am fully aware of what my problem is. But this is what we are doing today, so get on board, OK? Thank you. Next week, I'm definitely cutting out snacks. When I looked at my WW journal, I realised just how much of my points allowance gets used up by me stuffing crackers or Snack-a-Jacks or peanuts or crisps or biscuits into my mouth. They have become a daily essential for me, but they really shouldn't be. I could have much nicer dinners if I didn't snack. And the problem is not the snack itself per se, just my inability to control how much I eat of them. So it's cold turkey time! (Mmm, cold turkey...) I am dreading getting weighed tonight, but I promised myself that I would go every week, so that is what is going to happen. I just won't look at my leader in the eye. I can't.

WEEK 6 : 1lb lost (11st 7lbs)
I don't deserve this, but it's great news. And I promise I am going to really good this week. The scales teetered on maybe dropping down to an additional half pound, but alas, it was not to be. Next week Mr Scales, next week…