The First Month

11st 11lbs. That is what I weighed on Week 1 of Weight Watchers this year. I don't share my weight with anyone really. But now it's out there. Turns out I am only 5ft 3in too, according to some very ropey measurments made down the pub one night — WITHOUT a ruler. Short and overweight is never a good look. And I am noticing that the older I get, the nearer I seem to be getting to 12st.  Also, it's not really fun weighing more than your boyfriend without good reason, ie. you are one tonk bitch who works out all the time like Jodie Marsh.

I am a massive foodie and have finally realised I need to exercise more if I want to keep eating nice things in my life. Which is why I have been on... (consults diary)... oh right, it's worse than I thought — NO RUNS THIS YEAR!!! That can't be right… (consults diary again)... OK, there was a spurt in late December, but I've done sod all since then. Well that's just fucking great. To be fair, I have got a long-term foot injury at the moment, then I got a cold… But shit, I really need to get out there again. It's time to read Run Fat Bitch, Run – a book that I cannot recommend enough. When I was motivated to actually go out running, I was reading that!

What I have done to try and motivate myself, is ban all shopping for myself. The only way I am allowed to buy anything is if I lose weight two weeks in a row. This should work quite well for me as I don't have very expensive taste — something under a £10 off my Amazon Wish List will do. So what happened in my first month of being The New Me?

WEEK 1 : No change (11st 11lbs)

WHAT? Fucking hell, great start. That was a kick in the balls, I tell you. But breathe and move on. Be better next week.

WEEK 2 : 1/2lb lost (11st 10.5lbs)

In your face Weight Watchers! It's still not a great result, but I'm trying not to be harsh on myself — it's better than 1/2lb up, right? Proceed to stuff my face round my mum's at dinner, woo! Dare I think about what I might buy myself next week...?

WEEK 3 : 1/2lb lost (11st 10lbs)

Yes I dare! Again, this is not amazing but it's a loss rather than a gain. Head to mum's for dinner and to share the news. "You are treating yourself to a present for losing half a piddly pound?". I can always rely on mum to make me feel better. I ignore her and think about my bird-watching binoculars. BUT THEN I get distracted by the scarf below.

I saw it in Aldo a few weeks ago, — it's no longer on their website (PANIC!) but I find it in the actual shop and it's on sale for £9.80 (PANIC OVER). It's £5 cheaper than before, and it's now round my neck. It's so soft… This week, I have also decided to move down from 49 weeklies to 35. Let's just see what happens.

WEEK 4: 3.5lbs lost (11st 6.5lbs)

WOOT! I was not expecting that at all! Very, VERY pleased. However, I am slightly worried it might have something to do with the fact that I am wearing the lightest clothing ever — a very flimsy dress and tights. Truth be told, I only ever eat Cuppa Soup and crisps on Weigh Day. But fuck it for now — lets just focus on the loss, eh? Tiny bit concerned that a good result like this will mean I won't lose next week. We'll see.

I'm now excited about my potential binoculars, although all I ever see out the window is the arse of the obese squirrel who keeps stealing all the bird fat balls I put in the garden. Seriously though — why does everything in my get a bit fat? I was bought a malnourished runt-kitten seven years ago who is now on a permanent diet because she developed a hanging-and-jiggling stomach… My boyfriend (WHO IS NOT FAT, IF HE IS READING THIS) thinks he is putting on weight due to my over-feeding… and now the local squirrel has become a lardy-butt. Bloody great.