FEAST Special — Mega Blog!

 FEAST, Tobacco Docks, Thursday 7 March

All the tasty stalls on offer!

TODAY WAS AMAZING. I went to FEAST with my friend and her boyf and it was everything I had hoped for and more. And I was so distracted by the food that it didn't even dawn on me to take pictures of what I ate — I'm sorry! Basically, the organisers hired a large space out at the Tobacco Docks in Wapping and all the very popular street food stalls in London got a chance to sell their wares. They set it out beautifully, with long tables and candles, it was just lovely.


I took this event very seriously. First, I went to the website to look at all the stalls available and made a shortlist of which ones sounded the most appealing to me. Then, I looked up each place in my shortlist to see which were restaurants or made regular appearances in say, Borough Market, or something like that. If they did have a shop, they were shifted to the bottom of the list, as I figured that if I got desperate (and I often do) I could go and seek them out, and therefore they were not urgent to visit at FEAST. Looking at how much time and care I took to do this, some might say that I am fighting a losing battle trying to lose weight — I should probably just get fat and become some kind of professional eater. (I would be fucking amazing, by the way.) 

A very fancy affair, I'm sure you'll agree.

After scaring my friend and her boyfriend by brandishing my list like some crazy woman, the first stop was Anna Mae's Mac 'n' Cheese. But just as I was gearing up, my friend suggested we might maybe possibly want to share a pot. I think my heart actually skipped several beats — I definitely started to feel a bit dizzy. WHAT THE FUCK?? But then my mate convinced me (in very calm, soothing tones) that it was better to have the capacity to eat a range of food than get stuffed after two plates— oh, she knows me so well. So the three of us shared a Spicy Juan, which had red jalapenos, coriander and sour cream on top. Delicious. I took issue with the wooden forks they were handing out, as they were an odd texture in my mouth. My friend pointed out that they were also a bit absorbent (making it an odd choice for something with sauce), to which her boyfriend responded "So your problem with these forks is that they're stealing food from you?!?". Well, yes.

Spicy Juan, Kanye Western or Annie Mac for you, madam?

Next stop — Big Apple Hot Dogs. Now these were fucking amazing. I would say they were EASILY the best fucking hot dogs I have eaten in my life. The second best hot dog was when I was about seven and at a fair with my parents — this is one of my big food regrets (I have a list that I will share with you some time.) I ordered a chilli dog. Now firstly, what seven-year-old child orders a fucking chilli dog?? I feel like it was at that point that my parents should have worked out I was gonna have problems with food… This hot dog was sooo tasty, but being a small child, I took about four bites and I couldn't eat anymore. And then, in slow motion, I watched it get THROWN INTO THE FUCKING BIN. Honestly, I can still see it so clearly to this day… Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice has got nothing on me. But back to the story — Big Apple: best hot dog ever. I had mine with a bit of sriracha sauce (which I am now obsessed with). Job done.

We paced ourselves at this gig, stopping for drinks, a little sit-down etc, but then we all sheepishly admitted to each other than none of the food had even touched the sides. Cue huge relief that we were all up for stuffing our faces and on to the next one! My friends wanted a lamb burger from Dishoom (Indian street food), so we parted ways for a bit while I went to queue at Spit and Roast for the Buttermilk Fried Chicken Burger with Korean Sauce. The queue was massive (a good sign) and I spent most of the time deciding whether I should go for a slider or a full burger ("COCK CRAP — which one???") Hearing my friend's wise words from earlier, I decided to go for a slider, as I thought I would save a bit of space for more food later. STUPID FRIEND. Wish I had got the big one, because this burger was awesome and what I had later was not worth saving the space for. Crunchy on the outside, tender on the inside, good quality, excellent sauce. I would seek out these guys again.

Looked fancy… tasted funky.

So. We are getting to the end of what we can physically stuff in our bodies now, but we decide we want one more savoury thing, then dessert. After having a little wander, nothing was really taking our fancy, but then we saw some posh place called Frederick's. The food looked good and was in small portions, so we each had a little bit of bread that was topped with a duck and pistachio terrine and a little preserved pear slice on top. Fuck me, it was disgusting. And seriously, I will eat most things. It was so disgusting that when I went to blow my nose, I considered spitting it out into the tissue, but I hate waste. (Actually, what is more disgusting is the fact I still stuffed something down my gullet that I didn't even like, but it's all relative or something). It was really gross. I think we just made a duff choice there because the rest of the food looked good. It was at this point as well that my friend and I discussed how both our stomachs were making weird noises… 

DOGNUT DOWN, DOGNUT DOWN! (sob)

Swiftly moving on (ain't letting no stomach problems slow this bitch down!), we got in the queue for Dognuts with Salted Caramel Sauce at this fish place called Hix Fish Dog. I got handed mine and then disaster struck — one sugar-dusted doughnut army-rolled out of my tray and onto the dirty fucking floor. There was no five-second-rule here, not in this public place. I think I styled it out, but my friend knew this would have upset me, as she quickly disposed of it in a little tissue paper shroud, and dumped it in a bin, burning her fingers in the process. It was fine though, because they were quite big portions, so even though they both offered me one of theirs, I didn't really need it. We headed to a seated area to tuck into our last street food dish. [Stomach still making noises] My god, this caramel sauce was absolutely delicious. [Stomach moving around a bit]. The doughnuts were just batter really, but they were still pretty fucking good. [Stomach really being quite vocal and active] Perfect end to the evening really… OH GOD, AM I GOING TO SHIT MYSELF??? 

Ooh, lovely candles to distract you from poo stories…

Yes, what I thought was just a little bit of excitement, did look like it was very much the shits. (Warning — please stop reading right now if you do not like poo-based stories.) Right. OK. Fuck. So. Right — what are my options? One — ignore this and possibly face Bridesmaids-esque situation on the tube home. Two — leave mid-doughnut eating and sort this out in a loo somewhere. Now, any of you who know me know that I have VERY strict requirements when it comes to pooing in public loos. It needs to be quiet. The cubicle needs to be completely sealed — no gaps at the bottoms or tops of doors. And there needs to be enough loo paper. So I had to explain to my friend that I would definitely be needing the loo (she gave me knowing look — she has accompanied me on poop expeditions before), and left the table, turning to tell them that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES was my last doughnut to go in the bin. Looking back, I don't think my friend's boyfriend needed to know all this. Oh well. 

Spotted on my toilet trip.

So off I poo(tled) to find a toilet. Loo situation: no functioning locks, queues, open-air cubicles and wet floors, and just grimy in general. Great. I actually went into a cubicle, but I was only in there for about one minute assessing the environment before I thought "No, not here". Which was just as well, because when I came out, there was an even bigger queue. But then I remembered there were some toilets upstairs — thank fuck, because the cra(m)p was not going away. I had to ask for directions because I actually couldn't find the loos, but eventually, I found them tucked away at the back of the venue. And it looked like I wasn't the only person who couldn't find them because there wasn't another sodding person in there. RESULT! They were make-shi(f)t loos, but fancy ones, and ALL of them were self-contained. It was actually very nice: good hand soap, nice lighting, nice sinks, everything. So I picked the furthest-away loo and did what needed to be done, washed my hands and went back. Seeing as I had lost track of time a bit, I had to blend in with another crowd of people as I didn't want the security people who gave me directions to know that I had been in the toilet all that time. Got back to the table, and ate my last doughnut. Is that gross? To leave halfway through your food to take a shit, and then come back and resume? Something (very loudly) is telling me that it is, but that is where we are in the story. And I felt a lot better.

I love small, cute things. STOLE IT!

So we relaxed and chatted for a while, then my boyfriend turned up and all he bought to eat was a plain mac 'n' cheese. What the hell? He is ALL about hot dogs and burgers, I have no idea why he didn't have one. Oh no, wait — maybe it's because he didn't want to take a runny dump in his expensive suit, that's why.  We stayed right to the end and I have to say I would definitely go again to the one in the summer. At work the next day, I was chatting to someone who also went the night before and she got a bit of a dicky tummy too, as did my friend's boyf… Who knows if it was one of the stalls, or just the mixing of very rich foods. I just have two words to say: WORTH IT.