Week 15 : URGH

So, as I suspected, this week hasn't been as frugal as I would have liked. What a fucking surprise.

Monday was supposed to be about 900 calories, but I ended up eating 1380. It was someone's birthday at work, so she had brought in lots of delicious food that I couldn't resist. So, according to MFP, I spent 678 calories on snacks that day… That is ridiculous and embarrassing. And this is the reason I struggle with my weight. And then someone gave me a tub of Habas Tapas from their Graze box, which I also ate even though I wasn't hungry. Actually, no — that last reason is why I struggle with my weight. At least when I went home, I saw some bloody sense and decided to just eat hummus with vegetables for dinner. Not really pat-on-the-back material, but a shift towards being sensible at least.

Tuesday night went a bit tits up — BF and I were heading to Tesco, but we fell out just before we got there. So, feeling sad and in the mood for sabotage (sadotage?) I ended up buying a bag of crisps and a GIANT bar of Cadbury's Marvellous Cola Pretzel Honeycomb. The moment we got back to the flat, I shut the kitchen door and shoved the crisps into my mouth, along with three bits of chocolate. But, as predicted, it didn't make me feel any better. It just made me annoyed that I had let it get to me and now I was about 200 calories over where I wanted to be. Classic case of comfort eating gone bad. At least I had been for a run that morning… *sigh*

Speaking of runs, I think mine have gone now. Great. Just what I wanted this week.

Speaking of actual runs, mine are being hampered by a deep butt cheek pain. I do not want someone to massage me there, so I need to get a tennis ball, apparently. 

I really wanted a curry or chips, or curry with chips on Wednesday night, but I decided to run home and avoid eye contact with any of the restaurants down my road. But the moment I got in, I devoured half a bag of Cheese and Chive Combo Snacks. The guilt was fucking awful — what a stupid fucking thing to do. I calculated that it was 367 calories-worth of damage. So I just had a handful of salad for the rest of the evening. Something the fast diet has taught me is that you won't die any time soon if you miss a meal. And you certainly won't die having just eaten half a huge bag of crisps.

The main shock on Thursday was that Blog Mate DOESN'T WATCH THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF. I'm not sure I can ever trust her again really. No, I definitely can't. 

On Friday, I had an amazing burger at Byron. Get yourself down there, and order a chilli burger with skin on fries (THAT I SHARED, SO DON'T EVEN!). Half an Eccles cake in the afternoon to 'line my stomach' before drinking in the evening. It wasn't even that nice!

God, you know what? I am fucking typing this up and every day I am just reading another paragraph about the variety of ways in which I am weak-willed. It is really fucking depressing. Lack of will power, lack of spirit, lack of strength. It is so frustrating, but I can't blame anyone else. I once had a short excahnge with Blog Mate on Facebook. I get the impression it was supposed to be motivational, but I things didn't go to plan.

Her: "What do you like more: clothes or food?"
Me: "Food."
Her "Oh."

I think nowadays, she knows me a bit better… Joking aside, I think that the problem is that I would really love to have arms like Jodie Marsh, but I absolutely LOVE eating. And the latter always wins. I reckon it's because I have never reached a point where I am happy with my body. These days I can accept it, but in the past I have never enjoyed it, or bought it amazing clothes or thought it looked fab. (Well, sometimes I have, so that's a lie). Shopping is an ordeal because nothing really fits how it should, or the sizes don't go up past a 14 or 16 in what I want to wear… I mean accepting your body is one thing, but wearing clothes that you dont really want to wear because of your size is something different surely? How can you be happy with that?

If I woke up thin tomorrow, would I maintain that body because shopping was now actually a really fun activity because I look great? Or would my love for chips and cheesecake always take over? Food makes me happy — I wish I could get to a place where clothes did that for me — maybe that's when things would change in my brain. 

So, up 0.6lbs and 4 weeks to go… better get back to fasting next week!